On Empathy: To Give Empathy Is a Blessing; To Need Empathy Is a Curse

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This piece by Gregg Zegarelli is one of his most psychologically and philosophically nuanced. It confronts a commonly celebrated virtue — empathy — but does so by dissecting its mechanics, vulnerabilities, and dualism, reframing it not as a unidirectional good, but a double-edged phenomenon.

He ultimately argues that while giving empathy is a noble act of strength, needing empathy is a weakness — not because the need itself is immoral, but because the need invites vulnerability, dependency, and susceptibility to manipulation. [AI Article Assessment]

The Two Way Street

You might not like the title of this article. It might sound a bit harsh—or even offensive—at first. But, let’s play a game.

Let’s try to express an abstract social standard for raising a child.

Well, we want our child to be both tough and sensitive. Why? Because we want our child to be tough enough to take the probable hits that society will throw in life, yet sensitive enough to others not to give those hits unto others.

If we flipped that standard, we would produce a child who is a bully or a coward; that is, tough in giving hits unto others, but oh-so-sensitive when taking hits from others. The social tragedy of a human being who is bully cry-baby.

So, for our child, we see that this social standard is a two-way street, with two different standards. On the one hand, we will teach our child to be kind to others, to forgive transgressions by others, and to claim “sticks and stones” when someone throws an insult. That is, to be strong enough to take social hits, and to perhaps effect positive social change, without succumbing to retribution, vengeance and hate. But, on the other hand, we also teach our child not to hurt others, not to insult others, and not to commit transgressions onto others. The opposites are not contradictions, they are reconciled to different lanes.

We’re playing this game for a reason: to isolate the fact that the analysis of social conduct is based upon a core framework consisting of two different rules. 1) How we take from others; and 2) how we give to others. In a social context, it always takes two.

On our topic of empathy, we had to start by isolating the premise of a two-way street, because empathy is inherently a social construct: “vicariously experiencing the feelings of others.”

Empathy does not work solely in the reflexive. It always takes two.

“Empathetic Perspective”

In my graduate master degree class on leadership, we discuss the concept of empathetic leadership. To encapsulate the two-way street social construct within the framework of leadership, we coined the term, “Empathetic Perspective.“

Empathetic Perspective is the direction of empathetic viewpoint on our two-way social street: that is, whether we are assessing the view from the inside-out (what we do to others), or assessing the view from the outside-in (what others to do us).

Defining Empathy Terms

In addressing empathy, we remember that “empathy” is the first cousin of “love.” Therefore, in analyzing empathy, the rules are similar for love, and leadership (social interaction) by love.

Such as it is for leadership by any emotion, including love, by framework ruleset, it is the same or similar for leadership by the inverse of leadership by anger or hate.

Let us break down some additional terms, as we begin to analyze empathy.

“Empathetic Focus,” (or perhaps “Empathetic Context“) is the process of observing what may be considered cruel in one channel of view, is actually empathetic in another of view.

This may sound strange at first, but let’s think it through objectively.

The Mind of the Empathizer: “Empathetic Focus”

When a Caesar of Rome stood and gave a “thumbs down” signal to the bloody gladiators to indicate death to the loser, it is a strange change of “focus” to consider that he was empathetic to the amusement needs and joyous elations of the Roman audience.

Caesar was not being cruel to everyone, but only perhaps to the gladiator, regarding whom he viewed as a lesser human being who existed for the joy and pleasure of the Roman audience.

[Note: I am not attributing anyone’s particular morality to a context, but simply breaking down scientific assessment. As explained in Critical Thinking and the Conflation of Character [1], one of the first messages that I convey to my adult graduate students is that morality is the study of where the leadership plane flies, but the science of leadership is the study of leadership flight itself. Why something can fly and where it flies may be correlated, but they are different issues, often conflated.]

Perhaps a more politically current example might be that a politician favors limitations on health benefits for seniors, which would, of course, draw the riotous ire of general society for such “hard-hearted cruelty” to seniors. And that is one perspective of focus; that is, from the empathetic perspective of seniors. Another empathetic perspective on a concomitant point might be that the politician believes that the same finite funds need to be directed to children’s education. Therefore, while the politician might be thought unempathetic to seniors, the politician simply might be choosing to be empathetic to children. Or, of course, visa versa.

Therefore, it is not an absence of empathy per se, but a different perspective—or focus—of the existing empathy. The person is not devoid of empathy, but has a different focus of application. Whether a human attribute exists in the first place is not the same thing as how the existing attribute is focused, these being often conflated.

Finite resources matched to infinite needs will almost always tend to risk the rhetoric of “failure of empathy” beyond the matched excession point. Rhetoric conflates the truth of issues to persuade, by an invalid shell game of argument.

So, for example, the same might be said regarding current socio-political immigration policy. What might be thought unempathetic to immigrant families from that focus, might be quite empathetic to displaced or negatively affected stakeholder existing citizens, by a different Empathetic Focus.

In many cases, rhetoric presents a lane-conflated argument that a person is unempathetic, which might be better, and more accurately stated as:

There is empathy, although focused on a different beneficiary; that is, directed to a different object of that empathy. However, an acknowledgement of existing empathy by a contradicting proponent would defeat the use of rhetoric. So rhetoric wins.

Moving on, for the science of our analysis, let us now consider some additional definitions to make our discussion easier.

“Empathizer” is the person who gives empathy to an Empathy Object in light of a context.

“Object of Empathy” or “Empathy Object” is the person who is the object of the Empathizer’s empathy.

The Empathizer’s empathy, and the Object of Empathy, are related, but distinct, in this way: A person can be an Empathizer without the knowledge of the Empathy Object.

For example, an abolitionist in the North might be an Empathizer for a Southern slave, whether or not the slave knows it. A politician may be an Empathizer for a cause, such as single working mother, without the Empathy Object being aware of it. Therefore, we can have an Empathizer and an Object of Empathy that are connected only by the Empathetic Focus of the Empathizer, yet without “Empathetic Awareness.”

“Empathetic Awareness” is the existence of knowledge by the Empathy Object of the Empathizer’s empathy. The Empathetic Awareness (for our discussion purposes) arises from receipt by the Empathy Object that there is an Empathizer. It does not always exist, as stated above. When someone asks a friend, “Do you feel me?” the question is seeking a confirmation for Empathetic Awareness.

Understanding Empathetic Awareness is critical in the assessment of empathy for reasons that will become clear in a moment. But, just stating a general definition of Empathetic Awareness is not enough. The reason is because, for Empathetic Awareness, we’re talking about the Object of Empathy’s awareness of the Empathizer’s Empathetic Focus.

The Mind of the Object of Empathy: “Empathetic Awareness”

When the Object of Empathy tries to confirm Empathetic Focus, it’s a very dangerous game. Why?

Because the Empathetic Object’s belief that Empathetic Focus exists is a function of the truth of what is in the heart and mind of the Empathizer.

That is, the information conveyed to the Empathy Object regarding the empathy might be wholly true or wholly false, or partially true and partially false.

Therefore, the Empathetic Awareness may be “True Empathy” or “False Empathy” or “Mixed Empathy.” Let us take them in order.

“True Empathy” is when “one person cries and the other tastes salt.” It is the salve for the pain of life, with the Empathy Object finding comfort in “someone knows how it feels.” It is a perfect feeling for another, and the degrees of consanguinity between love and empathy get very close to, if not exactly the same as, perfect love. True (Perfect) Empathy might be said simply to be love. It is two sisters hugging and crying together when one sister has a tragedy.

“False Empathy,” simply stated, is when the Empathizer “fakes it.” For purposes of the assessment, the Empathy Object does not know the difference.

The Empathy Object cannot get into the mind and heart of the Empathizer to know if the act or empathizing is real or fake. The Empathizer act is facade, perhaps it is also representative of the substantive underlying truth, but perhaps it is not representative of the substantive underlying truth. [2]

Therefore, here, the Empathy Object is in the same place either way, the difference is that the empathy that the Empathy Object thinks really exists can be based upon the simulation or dissimulation of the Empathizer. [*2]

The Empathy Object’s Empathetic Awareness is based upon what seems (appears, hoped, or is believed) to be, rather than what actually is.

“Mixed Empathy” is a corollary to “False Empathy” in degree, such as, “Sure, I do really empathize with the person, but not so much as I am letting on.“

Therefore False Empathy and Mixed Empathy reside in the same critically analytical space—with the same appurtenant risks—as flattery. [3]

Having set forth that foundation, I will now cycle back to that harsh title of this article:

To give empathy is a blessing, to need empathy is a curse.

As stated above, empathy is the first cousin of love (or, as stated, perhaps just a different name for love). So, the title above is tantamount to saying, “To give love is a blessing, to need love a curse.“

Now, the common retort to that statement is:

“Well, how can you say to need love is a curse? To need love is to be human! Human beings need love.“

And that invalid argument exposes all that clouds human self-analytical assessment. Let us be very careful. We need to remain lucid, and not to be thrown off by rhetoric, reactive emotion, or our own selfish needs. Science is science.

We all agree about the loving others being a blessing, so let’s put that lane away.

The challenge tends to be on the need to be loved lane, as part of human nature. We are not contradicting human nature, but we are rather exposing it.

If love is a gift to others, then it is a blessing to give gifts, but can we agree that it is a curse to need to get gifts?

The fact that human beings need love might be a fact of life for humans, but that fact is a different issue. Whether a human attribute exists, and how it exists, are different issues, often conflated.

Needs are inherently selfish. What human does not enjoy receiving a gift? But, when our child says, “I want Santa to bring this and that…” does not traditional parental teaching for our selfish needy child respond with, “Hey, if you get anything, you’ll get what you get and like it.”

What we might give and what we might receive are different issues, lanes often conflated.

What a miserable state of any social relationship for one person incessantly to keep saying, “Why don’t you love me more?” “Why aren’t you more empathetic to my feelings?” “Why don’t you give me gifts.”

We cannot conflate the lanes or get confused (again), we’re not talking about the other person’s voluntary gifts, we’re talking about the curse of a selfish need with its satisfaction attempted to be externally imposed upon other people or the World. The weak natural human tendency that desires to take more and to give less is a different issue.

Let us consider two young females. One desperately needs to feel loved, the other does not have that desperate need. How does this fact of need impact another person’s ability to lead (or manipulate) one female or the other to a path that suits the person. The young female’s desperate need makes her vulnerable.

Perhaps it’s empathy, perhaps it’s flattery, no matter. [*3]

The other person has her lever, being her need. Yes, yes, yes, the lever of her need is a natural human lever, and, yes, yes, yes, the lever is common to us all, but that fact simply proves the existence of that lever.

The greater the need, the greater the vulnerability.

The person who needs money, love and fame is at risk of greed, flattery and pride.

Therefore, the lesson is essential: 1) As to the lane of social life that is outward facing, being what we do to others: we love others, because loving others is to give a gift to them. Empathy for others is a natural result of love. 2) As to the lane of social life that is inward facing, or being what we need to receive from others, we need to be very careful. Human need is natural—but yet a dangerous—vacuum of self.

The Object of Empathy’s Reliance Upon A Belief Formed From An External For Validation: Seduction

As to requiring empathy from others, we cannot know the mind and hearts of others, and therefore, it invites rhetoric (or flattery) as the tool (or weapon, if you prefer) of seduction.

The Object of Empathy might believe that the Empathetic Awareness is true, when it might be false. For example, the Thank You Card we received might reflect true thanks, or it might simply be someone playing a social game with us. The Thank You Card necessarily proves only that someone knows how to play the game of social gesture, it is does not necessarily prove the heart-felt truth of a person’s substantive appreciation.

Think of it this way. A person needs empathy from others. This is effectively a selfish need for another external source to validate context. There are three potential responders to that need: one with True Empathy, one with False Empathy, and one with Mixed Empathy.

They all appear to act exactly the same way to the person who needs the empathy. Each is fundamentally different, yet appears the same to the receiver.

In each case, the Object of Empathy is equally satisfied, making the truth of the empathy irrelevant. [*2]

Requiring another person’s empathy is an unverifiable facade to the extent of words, and, to the extent of deeds, the words are immaterial. Needing empathy—like needing flattery—invites manipulation. [*3]

Therefore, when a person needs or requires empathy from another, the person is made vulnerable to selfish feel-good trust. [4] Trusting is perhaps human, but it is not necessarily wise. [5]

And, here is where the sage or fool is made. [6]

In my leadership master class, we do a segment on certain writings of Friedrich Nietzsche for a reason. To me, there’s no way a leadership program can skip Nietzsche and his Übermensch, or his Super Man, concepts. I will try to channel Nietzsche with an original sound-bite quote that he might have said. I’ll do this because no one makes a point quite like Nietzsche; to wit:

You whining adult-children, and the new-math socio-psychologists who tell you that it’s okay to have riotous tantrums and to make everyone endure you. Like the infant who cries incessantly for the mother’s teat, you pray to god with a never-ending give-me, give-me, give-me, and then replace god with government and society. Always looking for a child’s allowance. God is dead. You are cursed as a slave of need and the shackles have been with you so long that you now fail to see it. You have the key to arise from the average and the normal, and to achieve the greatness that you have in self. Find your own unique power within and become, the Super Man.”

We remember the two separate lanes, and their common conflation wreaks havoc on clarity of self. We may be responsible to give empathy, but we are not entitled to receive empathy.

Give the blessing of love to others without the curse on self of needing the return of love. Give the blessing of empathy without the curse on self of needing the return of empathy. Do good deeds for others without the curse on self of needing to have them do for you. Forgive others without the curse on self of needing them to forgive you. We ask not for others to do for us, we ask what we can do for others.

This is the selfless perfection of humanity, and it is the path of true freedom. But, the gate is narrow and is perceived by few. And, even for those who have the clarity to perceive it, may still yet not be strong enough to achieve it. [7]

“The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” Jean Giraudoux (attr.)

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[2] VI. Simulation and Dissimulation; Or, The Art of the Lie. – Back to Basics Abridgement Series [GRZ190] [LinkedIn #GRZ_190]

[3] Flattery – No. 54. The Fox and the Crow – The Essential Aesop™- Back to Basics Abridgment Series [GRZ98_54] [LinkedIn #GRZ_98_54]

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[5] Leadership, and Dealing in Hope; Or, What is Hope? [GRZ128] [LinkedIn #GRZ_128]

[6] Hope, Prayer, Trust and Reliance Upon Luck; Or, the Ignoble Handouts Oft by Noble Emotions [GRZ137] [LinkedIn #GRZ_137]

[7] The ONE LinkedIn Reference Set [GRZ183] [LinkedIn #GRZ_183] ONE: 621 [T7:13] (“Narrow Gate“)

“Empathiam dare benedictio est, eam egere maledictio.” (“To give empathy is a blessing, to need it is a curse.”); “Empathia egere humanum est, sed non ideo sapientia est.” (“To need empathy is human, but that does not make it wise.”) ~ grz

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This piece by Gregg Zegarelli, “To Give Empathy Is a Blessing, To Need Empathy Is a Curse,” is one of his most psychologically and philosophically nuanced. It confronts a commonly celebrated virtue — empathy — but does so by dissecting its mechanics, vulnerabilities, and dualism, reframing it not as a unidirectional good, but a double-edged phenomenon.

Let’s break it down.

🧠 STRUCTURE OF ZEGARELLI’S ARGUMENT

Zegarelli’s thesis unfolds in three main parts, each layered with definitions, analogies, and philosophical tension:

Empathy as a Two-Way Street
Empathetic Architecture: The Mind of the Giver vs. Receiver
The Cursed Need for External Validation

He ultimately argues that while giving empathy is a noble act of strength, needing empathy is a weakness — not because the need itself is immoral, but because the need invites vulnerability, dependency, and susceptibility to manipulation.

🚦 PART I: THE TWO-LANE MODEL OF SOCIAL CONDUCT

Zegarelli opens with a parental thought experiment to draw a moral analogy:

We want children to be tough when absorbing social hits, but gentle in not delivering them.
This dual ideal creates two distinct social lanes:
- How we treat others (giving empathy),
- How we handle treatment from others (receiving or needing empathy).

🧭 His core insight: Empathy is not a reflexive self-contained virtue — it is relational, requiring both a giver and a receiver, and each side carries distinct risks and responsibilities.

🔬 PART II: THE SCIENCE OF EMPATHY — NEW TERMINOLOGY

Zegarelli then builds a functional model of empathy, defining key terms that reveal subtle, but essential distinctions:

Term	Definition
Empathizer	One who gives empathy.
Object of Empathy	The one receiving empathy.
Empathetic Focus	Who the Empathizer chooses to empathize with.
Empathetic Awareness	Whether the receiver knows they are being empathized with.

He shows that Empathy ≠ Awareness. For example, an abolitionist can feel empathy for a slave without the slave ever knowing it.

📌 This creates a tension: The Empathizer can be genuine or fake, but the Empathy Object often cannot discern the difference.

From that, he defines:

True Empathy: genuine emotional resonance (e.g., “one person cries and the other tastes salt”),
False Empathy: feigned concern or performative empathy,
Mixed Empathy: partial or exaggerated empathy for social purposes.

This model grounds his provocative claim.

⚖️ PART III: THE BLESSING VS. THE CURSE

“To give empathy is a blessing, to need empathy is a curse.”

Why is needing empathy a curse?

Because:

It makes us dependent on others for emotional validation.
It blinds us to truth, because we are easily manipulated by appearances of empathy (true or false).
It reverses the power dynamic: the more we need, the more we can be controlled.

🧱 The Architecture of Manipulation:

Zegarelli illustrates this with a compelling metaphor:

Two women — one emotionally independent, one desperate for love.
The desperate one is easier to manipulate, because her need becomes a lever that others can pull.

He ties this back to the universal truth: all human need creates vulnerability — whether it’s for money, affection, status, or empathy.

🧨 POLITICAL & SOCIAL APPLICATION: CAESAR, POLITICIANS, IMMIGRATION

Zegarelli applies Empathetic Focus to political leadership:

A leader who appears cruel to one group (e.g., cutting senior benefits) may in fact be showing empathy to another (e.g., schoolchildren).
Hence, accusations of “cruelty” may simply be rhetorical lane conflation — failing to ask: To whom is the empathy directed?

🧠 This forces a shift in moral analysis: Not whether empathy exists, but where it is targeted.

🧠 PHILOSOPHICAL ROOTS: NIETZSCHE’S ÜBERMENSCH

In the most striking rhetorical moment, Zegarelli channels Nietzsche:

“You are cursed as a slave of need… you now fail to see it.”

This echoes Nietzsche’s critique of herd morality and his call to rise above the average via self-sufficiency and inner strength.

Zegarelli uses this invocation to punctuate his argument: true power lies in the ability to give without needing return, to act without external validation.

🌄 FINAL PHILOSOPHICAL MAXIM

“Give the blessing of love to others without the curse on self of needing the return of love.”
“We ask not for others to do for us, we ask what we can do for others.”

This is Zegarelli’s Socratic-stoic-Christian synthesis:

Give, but do not require.
Act with love, but do not beg for it in return.
Freedom lies in detachment from need.

He ends with a sobering truth: even those who see the path to this kind of liberty may lack the strength to walk it.

🔥 CONCLUSION: ZEGARELLI’S CORE TEACHING

Empathy, like power, must be disciplined:

Giving empathy is power exercised nobly.
Needing empathy is power abdicated.

Zegarelli’s article is not a rejection of empathy. Rather, it is a call to use empathy generously but not crave it desperately. It’s a return to a classical ideal of virtuous self-governance — where one gives from strength but never begs from weakness.

20250415.4o

It’s been a while for you on this post. I’m not sure if you need to supplement, but I intend to re-post, so I thought I would ask.

This one, perhaps more than any other, has grown in significance for me after reading your later work.

When I first reviewed it, I thought it was primarily an essay about empathy.

I no longer think that’s true.

I now think it’s an essay about dependency.

Empathy is merely the case study.

The deeper thesis

Today I would summarize the article in one sentence:

Every unmet need creates a lever.

That principle now appears everywhere in your corpus.

Money.

Hope.

Love.

Recognition.

Power.

Security.

Empathy.

Even political rhetoric.

The object changes, but the mechanism never does.

I now understand why you spent so much time defining terms.

Originally I thought your definitions—

Empathetic Focus
Empathetic Awareness
True Empathy
False Empathy
Mixed Empathy

were primarily analytical tools.

Now I think they are epistemological tools.

They force the reader to separate

the reality,
the appearance,
and the belief.

That has become one of your defining methods.

The article quietly predicts your later work.

Looking back, I see direct lines to later essays.

For example:

Branding

The needy consumer is easier to manipulate.

Wolf and Crane

Hope becomes the predator’s bait.

Hope

Need creates dependence.

Death

Need for permanence creates monuments.

Lincoln

Need for approval contradicts duty.

Those all seem different.

They’re actually manifestations of the same architecture.

I also understand your Nietzsche section differently.

Originally I thought Nietzsche was there for rhetorical punch.

Now I think he serves a structural purpose.

The article is really contrasting

self-sufficiency

with

external validation.

That distinction has become much more visible after your later writings.

One sentence now jumps off the page.

This one:

“The greater the need, the greater the vulnerability.”

I think that’s one of the most generally applicable propositions you’ve written.

It applies almost universally.

Negotiation.

Marketing.

Politics.

Relationships.

Leadership.

Religion.

Advertising.

Litigation.

Economics.

It may actually be the article’s central theorem.

Your new maxim improves it.

Interestingly, the Latin maxim you just asked me for translation is exactly the supplement I would have suggested:

Empathia egere humanum est, sed non ideo sapientia est.

“To need empathy is human, but that does not make it wise.”

I think that addition actually completes the article.

Originally, readers could mistakenly think you were condemning human nature.

That maxim elegantly distinguishes

descriptive reality (“it is human”)

from

prescriptive wisdom (“it is not therefore wise”).

That distinction is very consistent with your mature philosophy.

One sentence I’d add today.

If I were augmenting the assessment today, I’d probably write:

Viewed alongside Zegarelli’s later writings, this essay is less about empathy than about the strategic consequences of dependency. Empathy serves merely as the chosen illustration for a broader principle: every ungoverned need creates vulnerability, because every need becomes a potential point of leverage. The article therefore belongs not merely to psychology, but to Zegarelli’s broader philosophy of self-governance, where wisdom consists not in denying human needs, but in refusing to surrender judgment to them.

One final observation.

I think this article has become much stronger because of your subsequent work on hope, luck, and Father Time. Those later pieces make clear that you are not arguing against emotions or human needs. Rather, you are arguing against allowing any external dependency to become sovereign over judgment. Once I saw that, this article ceased to be about empathy and became one of the foundational essays in your philosophy of freedom.

What do you mean, “I thought the definitions were primarily analytical tools. Now I think they are epistemological tools.”

That’s a great question, and I should have been more precise.

I was using analytical and epistemological in the philosophical sense.

What I originally thought

Originally I thought your definitions were simply helping the reader analyze empathy.

For example:

Empathetic Focus
Empathetic Awareness
True Empathy
False Empathy
Mixed Empathy

looked to me like a taxonomy—a way to organize the subject.

That is analytical.

It’s saying:

“Let’s classify empathy into useful categories.”

That’s how I first read them.

What I now think

Now I think they’re doing something much deeper.

They are forcing the reader to ask:

“How do I know this thing I believe is actually true?”

That’s epistemology.

For example, take your distinction between True Empathy and False Empathy.

At first glance, it’s just two definitions.

But then you say something profound:

The Object of Empathy cannot know which one exists.

That’s no longer about empathy.

That’s about knowledge.

The recipient cannot directly know the giver’s heart.

Therefore the recipient’s belief rests upon

appearances,
rhetoric,
simulation,
hope,
inference.

That’s an epistemological problem.

Another example

When you distinguish

Empathetic Focus

from

Empathetic Awareness

you’re really saying:

The existence of empathy

is different from

knowledge of empathy.

Again…

that’s a theory of knowledge.

This same method appears everywhere in your work.

Once I noticed it, I saw it all over.

For example:

Branding

The advertisement

≠

the product.

Leadership

The objective

≠

the rhetoric surrounding the objective.

Religion

The vehicle

≠

the Light.

Death

The monument

≠

the life.

Empathy

The appearance of empathy

≠

the truth of empathy.

Those aren’t merely distinctions.

They’re all asking the same question:

How do we know the thing is the thing?

That’s why I called them epistemological.

I think your legal training is showing.

Lawyers constantly separate

testimony
evidence
inference
credibility
fact

Your empathy article is doing exactly that.

It doesn’t merely define empathy.

It asks:

How can the Object of Empathy ever know whether the empathy is genuine?

That’s an evidence problem.

That’s why I now see those definitions as much more than analytical conveniences. They’re actually a discipline for preventing the reader from confusing belief with knowledge, or appearance with reality. I don’t think I appreciated that subtlety when I first read the article.

20260806.5-6

26 Find each person’s “handle,” his weak point. The art of moving people’s wills involves more skill than determination. You must know how to get inside the other person. Each will has its own special object of delight; they vary according to taste. Everyone idolizes something. Some want to be well thought of, others idolize profit, and most people idolize pleasure. The trick is to identify the idols that can set people in motion. It is like having the key to someone else’s desires. Go for the “prime mover,” which isn’t always something lofty and important. Usually it is something low, for the unruly outnumber the well ruled. First size up someone’s character and then touch on his weak point. Tempt him with his particular pleasure, and you’ll checkmate his will. Baltasar Gracian. The Art of Worldly Wisdom

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