The Most Happiest Time of the Year; Or, the Epistemology of Elfism, Aelfism, and Elfagnosticism

Gregg Zegarelli Esq.

Managing Shareholder at Technology & Entrepreneurial Ventures Law Group, PC

December 5, 2023

You might be an aelfeist (denying the magic of elves). That’s okay. [1]

But, I assure you that there is at least one elfist (asserting the magic of elves), being my youngest daughter. (And noting the hidden premise, of course, that elves exist in the first place. [2, 3, 4])

Now, as it is, each year at about Thanksgiving, my youngest daughter starts inquiring, “I hope my elf comes soon.” “Well,” I reply, “who knows what The Elf will do? If I know such things, elves are free spirits and cannot be predicted. That nutty elf. Oh, and by the way, if you’re saying ‘my elf’ like ‘my friend’ that’s okay, but if you’re saying, ‘my elf’ like ‘I own it,’ that’s not okay, since The Elf is free, as I just mentioned, not to be owned as such….That is, if I know such things.

My daughter just looks at me with a glaze that denotes she’s not sure if I’m serious or joking… (And I confess that I like it that way.)

Now, I look over at my wife, who is becoming as red as a jingle bell, her blood pressure increasing. Like many parents, she’s considering her upcoming role of tireless devoted late nights apparently running around or otherwise chasing The Elf throughout our house for a month. Who knows what that goofy elf will do?

One time, my wife and I awoke in horror, with our daughter screaming. We ran downstairs. All was well, sort of. What happened was that The Elf was sitting on top of my daughter’s school portable computer, by some accident or mischievous intention. That darn Elf. Everyone knows human beings cannot touch The Elf, which created a dilemma for my daughter: How would she be able to take her computer to school with The Elf sitting on it? My dutiful wife, with love, care—and with surgical precision—used kitchen tongs and cinnamon sprinkles to move that crazy Elf.

And, it goes without saying, for our opportunistic pet dog [5], he just sits there watching, waiting, and hoping to get lucky with the proverbial fallen elf by a tong malfunction, proving the old adage, “One fallen elf’s pain is one waiting dog’s pleasure.[6, 7, 8]

But, even so, no one could predict that The Elf would be the cause for an epistemological dispute, which happened thusly.

It was Sunday morning. My daughter was happily working on her computer with The Elf sitting nicely in our Christmas Tree watching her. I was getting my coffee, and my wife was getting her tea. Like perhaps many of my brethren loving dads, yes, I went for it and did it.

I looked at my daughter and said nonchalantly, “Hey, you know that The Elf could leave at any time. You know that, right? I mean The Elf might have to go visit some other little boy or girl, or have some other thing to do, or go back to the North Pole to prepare, or do whatever it is that elves do. Who can predict an elf? So far as I know, The Elf is a free spirit. So enjoy him while he’s here.” [9]

Now, my daughter looked me, with a glaze that indicated that she did not know if I was serious or joking. (And, I’ve already confessed that I like it that way.) Then, my daughter’s curious gaze turned into a frown, and then into tears, and then into screams, and then into running to mom (on mom’s Sunday morning while mom’s pretty much still waking up), “Mom, dad said The Elf might leave at any time!! Is my Elf going to leave me?

At this point, I did what a lot of dads do at this point. I tossed in a spurious, “Hey, the Elf’s watching…” leaving the screaming kid coddled with my wife, then going into my office to put on noise cancelling headphones with some nice Strauss. (I know, this dad-antic mom-transference that I think is funny, but my wife certainly does not think is funny, is an issue I’m working on for myself…slowly….very slowly….)

In any case, later that morning, with the three of us in the car on our way to weekly service, my wife did the unthinkable. She brought up the issue, in the car, with my daughter in the back seat listening; to wit: “Why would say that The Elf might leave? How could you say that to your daughter!?

I reply, sticking to my story, “Who can say what an elf will do? The Elf is a free spirit and is not subject to constraints or predictions. The Elf will do what The Elf will do.

Now my wife’s face was becoming as red as a jingle bell, sort of intimidatingly glaring at me while I’m trying to drive. “What are you talking about? Are you serious?she retorts. “In all these years, The Elf never left until Christmas morning! Why would you say such a thing?

I reply again, “Well, just because The Elf never left before, it does not necessarily follow that he won’t do it now. Who is to say what an elf will do? So far as I know, elves are free spirits and not subject to constraints or predictions. The Elf will do what The Elf will do.And she exclaims in reply, “Who knows? Who knows? I know!” “Okay then,” I say, “you apparently know, but I do not know. She should enjoy him while he’s here.” “C’mon now.” I say, “I mean this is not like the turmoil I caused when I told the kids that, if we were starving on a deserted island, we might have to eat our pet dog…” [10]

It is at this point that I realized it, woe unto me. An unreconcilable difference with my wife. Now I know. My wife is an Elfist. I am apparently Elfagnostic. No less than Mr. Bumble [11], I am not in the position to control, or to predict, or even to contemplate the source of the goofy power of The Elf. But my wife is apparently my better, as she apparently knows things that I do not know.

But, all is well that ends well. [12] As Thomas Jefferson might say:

But it does me no injury for my wife to say there are twenty elves, or no elves. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.

Reason and experiment have been indulged, and error has fled before them.  It is error alone which needs the support of dad. Truth can stand by itself. Subject opinion to coercion: whom will you make your inquisitors? Fallible dads; dads governed by bad passions, by private as well as public reasons. And why subject it to coercion?  To produce uniformity.

[*1] Indeed, to what credit is it of me to have a home of all uniform elfists, elfagnostics or aelfeists. Nay, not on my watch. Therefore, my home shall happily embrace multi-elfism. [13, 14, 15]

So, all is well during this most happiest time of the year. My daughter has her mother to supply assurance and coddling comfort. That’s love. I am sure of it. And, my daughter has her father to supply rational healthy doubt, to develop appreciation for the moment that can unpredictably end, albeit perhaps a far less comfortable position. But that’s love, too. I am sure of it. [16, 17, 18, 19]

Some teachings are more subtle than others.

The tender neck chafes at the yoke. God does not pet the good man: He tries him, hardens him, and fits him for Himself. ~Seneca, On Providence [18]

Forewarned is forearmed. Preparing the mind is to think the unthinkable. Polishing is abrasion. ~grz.

_____________________________

‘Oh, don’t go on like that!’ cried the poor Queen, wringing her hands in despair. ‘Consider what a great girl you are. Consider what a long way you’ve come to-day. Consider what o’clock it is. Consider anything, only don’t cry!’

Alice could not help laughing at this, even in the midst of her tears. ‘Can you keep from crying by considering things?’ she asked.

‘That’s the way it’s done,’ the Queen said with great decision: ‘nobody can do two things at once, you know. Let’s consider your age to begin with—how old are you?’

‘I’m seven and a half exactly.’

‘You needn’t say “exactually,”’ the Queen remarked: ‘I can believe it without that. Now I’ll give you something to believe. I’m just one hundred and one, five months and a day.’

‘I can’t believe that!’ said Alice.

‘Can’t you?’ the Queen said in a pitying tone. ‘Try again: draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.’

Alice laughed. ‘There’s no use trying,’ she said: ‘one can’t believe impossible things.’

‘I daresay you haven’t had much practice,’ said the Queen. ‘When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.

Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass (Alice in Wonderland)

[1] Freedom of Religion, by Thomas Jefferson – Abridgment Series [#GRZ_61]

[2] The Fable of a Slave’s Bad Day [#GRZ_127]

[3] Critical Thinking and the Conflation of Character, Integrity, Goodness and Virtue [#GRZ_148]

[4] On Leadership and Trust. [And, Should We Trust the U.S. Government?] [#GRZ_160]

[5] Competition and Clever Mergers – No. 38. The Lion, Bear and Fox – The Essential Aesop™ – Back to Basics Abridgment Series [#GRZ_98_38]

[6] Hope, Prayer, Trust and Reliance Upon Luck; Or, the Ignoble Handouts Oft by Noble Emotions [#GRZ_137]

[7] Leadership, and Dealing in Hope [#GRZ_128]

[8] On Wisdom and Luck; Or, Getting Lucky is not the Same as Being Wise [#GRZ_155]

[9] The Power of the Spirit of Every Teacher and Coach [#GRZ_99]

[10] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alive:_The_Story_of_the_Andes_Survivors (“‘Alive’ should be read by sociologists, educators, the Joint Chief of Staff. By anyone, in fact, whose business it is to prepare men for adversity.“)

[11] Pro-Life or Pro-Choice? Chapter 1, Bias [#GRZ_91]

[12] Shakespeare, English Language, and Other Such Items [#GRZ_62]

[13] The Rise of Corporate Social Intimidation (CSI); Or, Rollerball, Censorship, and Smokeless Book Burning [#GRZ_151]

[14] The American Emulsion: Order, Equality, and Freedom; Or, The Virtue of a Nation-State Not Made by Purity of Religion, Race, Heritage,.. [#GRZ_168]

[15] ONE®: The Unified Gospel of Jesus, Divine Version [Second Edition] Published [#GRZ_59]

[16] Salt, Wounds, and the Most Unkindest Cuts of All [#GRZ_67]

[17] Whom the Gods Would Destroy, They First Tease with Political Incorrectness [#GRZ_74]

[18] Benefit and Burden

[19] The Two Doors of Life: Pleasure and Pain; The One Double-Choice, Say Sages Aesop, Gracian, Jesus and Socrates [#GRZ_136]

[20] Seneca. On the Misfortune of Good Men. Abridgment Series [#GRZ_18]

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© 2023 Gregg Zegarelli, Esq. Gregg can be contacted through LinkedIn.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/most-happiest-time-year-epistemology-elfism-aelfism-zegarelli-esq–qy16f

See Article Index

Fable and Story Series

Stand for America® – Issue 1. Stand for America [#GRZ_12]

The Great Masquerade – Stand for America® [#GRZ_11]

Shakespeare, English Language, and Other Such Items [#GRZ_62]

Emojiality. Or, the Personality and Congeniality of Using Emojis [#GRZ_63]

SQL Nulls, Socrates, and Black Holes. Or, the Great Lawnchair Debate [#GRZ_72]

Branding America – In God We Trust. Or, Adams, Franklin, Jefferson and Washington Debate the American Slogan – Stand for America® [#GRZ_82]

The Lost Donald Trump Executive Meeting Transcript Now Revealed! [#GRZ_109]

The Fable of a Slave’s Bad Day [#GRZ_127]

The Naked Brain; Or, Deconstructing and Reconstructing the Human Being [#GRZ_132]

CHINERICA. Stand for America.® [#GRZ_138]

A Brisk Critical-Thought Exercise in the Circumcision of Circumcision [#GRZ_152]

The Proseuché (The Prayer of Socrates) Ch. I [Intro] [#GRZ_158]

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